Why Do Hurt People, Hurt People?
No matter where I work, I always get asked this question. Why do hurt people, hurt people? The simple answer, they do not want to get hurt themselves. The more in-depth answer is a lot deeper than the simple one. First things first, we need to acknowledge and understand that hurt people are hurt. Hurt people have been through one or more crisis or traumatic events. Hurt people have experienced pain, loss, betrayal, abuse, violence, guilt, grief, shame and more. Based off their experiences, hurt people don’t want others to get close to them. That there lies the contradiction. Human beings are social creatures. Humans need that social interaction to survive, whether they are extroverted or introverted. Hurt people also crave that social interaction, but their mind is telling them, based on their previous experiences, that they will get hurt again. So hurt people go through the cycle of bringing people in, just to push them away again.
Thankfully, there is a way to heal. There is a way to overcome and break the cycle. Of course, getting professional help from a clinician is always recommended, though here are some things you can do in conjunction with getting professional help. Identify what you feel uncomfortable about with people, that causes you to push people away. This could stem from safety, not wanting to get taken advantage of, etc.… Once you identified that, set clear boundaries and expectations for your future relationships. Remember boundaries are set in place to make sure you do not get taken advantage of and to make sure you stay safe. Also make sure those boundaries and expectations are healthy and not toxic. Don’t generalize or overgeneralize. During your journey, certain people will remind you of the person or people that hurt you. That will always put you in alert mode or that fight, flight, or freeze mode. By not generalizing or overgeneralizing, you’ll won’t be in that alert mode, and you’ll be able to relax, instead of constantly feeling stressed and on edge. Lastly, make sure to indulge in self-care. This will help you learn to love yourself again, believe in yourself again and regrow your self-confidence.
In conclusion, true hurt people hurt people. Though, hurt people are also able to heal as well. During these trying times, make sure you’re taking care of yourself. Remember, there is only one of you, so cherish yourself.